Ok, I'm sure you guys are all dying to know what this whole "brained" thing is all about.  Right?

1. My name is Brian, but all my life people have misspelled it as "Brain".  It is flattering to a point, but after that it gets ridiculous.  My own grandmother still spells my name "Brain". 

In essence, one of the things brained refers to is the fact that this web site was created by "Brain", a.k.a. Brian.

2. Brained also refers to the common misconception most people have that I have some kind of super-intelligent brain, wherever they got that silly idea.  I'm serious--all my life, people have really thought I was some kind of mega-brain.  I've been called a "genius" by co-workers and fellow students ever since I can remember.  I did score really high on an IQ test when I was in the third grade, like a 160-something, but I haven't taken one since.  And I did earn a lot of awards on my high school and college academic teams, and I did score pretty high on standardized tests--like a 32 on the ACT and a 181 on the PSAT.  And I did end up graduating Salutatorian of my high school class. 

But I'm not one to really brag about my intellect all that much because I know there are a lot of really smart people out there that make me look like a low-grade moron.  I mean, just because I recently found out I qualify to be in MENSA doesn't mean I have a right to go around thinking I'm smarter than everyone, right?  Besides, my friend Jason Cansler, who's known me longer than most, had this to say about me: "He has a very large raw intellect... or did 'til he started partying heavily."
 

3. Unfortunately, the obvious meaning of the word brained is probably the most applicable of all.  I do kinda have this talent for head banging--and I'm not just talking about my love for hard rock music.  Ever had two knots on your noggin at the same time?  Three?  It's fun, really!  Anyway, here are a few of my more shining moments:

• When I was around 2 years old, I fell out of a grocery buggy and landed on my head. That probably explains a lot about me, doesn't it?  Nothing like an early concussion to have a major impact on a guy.
   

• When I was about 4 my parents took me with them to an insurance office of all places.  I was goofing around, tripped and fell headfirst into a beam across the floor knocking myself silly.  Not only did it briefly knock me unconscious and scare the snot out of my parents, but it also left a tiny scar on my forehead that is still slightly visible to this day.
   

• Twice in elementary school, I fell from the monkey bars and smacked my head good against the ground -- once in kindergarten and once in the 4th grade.  I was briefly knocked out both times, but it could have been worse -- fortunately, it was dirt I landed on both times and not asphalt.
   

• Of course, I would end up diving head first into asphalt before I even reached adolescence.  I was biking along one day at age 11, minding my own business, when I was startled by an oncoming car, lost control of my bike, and plowed right into it.  My head hit the windshield and I blacked out; the next thing I knew I was lying face down on the pavement.  I know I was only unconscious for a few seconds though, because I could still see the car speeding down the road when I came to -- the jerk was a hit and run driver at that!  My favorite bike was trashed beyond repair, which upset me far worse at the time than my injuries did.  I cringe now when I think just how badly I could have been hurt.  Thankfully, a few scrapes and a ginormous lump on top of my head were the extent of the damage.
   

• My high school classmates had to think it was hysterical this mega-nerd who was supposedly so smart kept knocking my head in so many funny ways.  The funniest (unintentional) time I can remember was my junior year at a state convention for the National Beta Club... ironically for all us "gifted" future leaders of the country.  We were jumping up and down on the mattress in the hotel room octing like 5 year olds on a trampoline, because why not, when I lost ballance and flew straight off the bed, the right side of my head colliding full contact with the knee cap of a senior cheerleader sitting in a nearby chair watching all this chaos and trying to keep a straight face.  I was clearly dazed and she kept asking if I was ok.  Silly me trying to play it cool, when I had been nearly knocked out by a girl's knee, must have made for one hilarious scene!
   

• In a high school speech class, we all had to get up in front of the class and give demonstration speeches.  While I had planned to demonstrate working with ceramics, I ended up demonstrating how to whack the side of your head on the corner of the display board while trying to demonstrate working with ceramics.  Although the entire class was amused to say the least, some of the more concerned of them did ask if I was ok.  I was fine, really!  Just another lump to add to my growing collection.  My pride was the real casualty that time.
   

• Less funny, I was in back-to-back car wrecks toward the end of my senior year... about 6 months after learning to drive.  Thankfully both were single car accidents involving me hitting ditches.  Unfortunately, mom's car that I was driving wasn't so lucky either time, and neither was my noggin.

  The first crash was due to my driving like a bat out of hell trying to rush to an event I was running late for -- a high school all-girls' "Swing Choir" performance that several of my friends were performing in, including the one I had a *massive* crush on!  I didn't make it, because I was inexperienced driving, and I fishtailed going around a sharp curve on the long gravel road we lived on, before I ever reached the main road.  I didn't know what to do to resolve the fishtail, and Mom's car ended up smashing into the side of a ditch then my jaw ended up slamming into the steering wheel.  Ouch!  Pretty sure I had just given myself a mild concussion and possibly dislocated my jaw because for years after, whenever I would chew food on the right side it would pop and make an annoying clicking sound.  But I'll never know for sure since I didn't go to the hospital.  Sadly, the only music I ended up hearing that night was the music I had to face after wrecking Mom's car I had borrowed... the wreck did major body damage, and all my high school graduation money went toward reparing it.

  Worst part about it is that money woud end up being totally wasted, because less than three months later I ended up totalling it.  Rushing back home from town after checking on a job application for a video store that it turns out I didn't even qualify for because I wasn't old enough -- I was only 17 at the time and it had an "adult" section I wouldn't be allowed in.  So I was annoyed by a totally wasted trip, and distracted by the radio when my passenger side front wheel ran off the edge of the road.  Again, inexperienced not knowing what to do, I jerked it back onto the road and over-corrected and the last thing I remember was the car spinning out and trying to get control of it... then waking up upside down with my suddenly aching head against the now dented up roof of the car... turns out I had rolled the car a few times and it ended upside down in a rocky ditch.  Definitely concussed this time, and foggy and even dizzy as I was, I managed to climb out of the wrechage and slog my way to the first house I saw to ask if I could use their phone.  Still pounding headache aside, by the time my dad showed up and then the police to write up their report, I felt better enough that I turned down the offer to take me to the hospital.  Only later would I notice the two-inch goose-egg knot on the top of my head -- it was pretty much the same spot from the bike crash from 6 years prior.  Apparently I had found my reset button lol.  Needless to say, I was persona non grata for awhile after totalling Mom's favorite car she had ever owned.  But at least everyone was relieved there was no permanent damage to my dome or the goofy brain inside.

  Fortunately, enough time had apparently passed since my previous concussion that I somehow managed to avoid "Second Impact Syndrome".
   

• Back to funny stories... As a general rule, if there are low rafters or other obtrusions in a room and I spend enough time in there, chances are good I'll find them the hard way.  A great example of this occurred my second year of community college, when my Phi Theta Kappa honor fraternity decided to enter a float in the annual Christmas Parade.  We did most of the work on it in sponsor Jim Hunter's garage, which naturally had low rafters.  I cracked my cranium twice on them while working on top of the float one day.  I ended up with the cutest matching knots, nearly symmetrical in their sizes and locales on either side of my head.  That took talent, believe me!  But hey, Jim was my calculus teacher after all, and what else would you expect from a "math whiz" like myself.
   

• This next incident took real talent.  Once while helping a friend at a weekend computer show, I somehow managed to pummel the top of my head three times in a row while loading and unloading crates of software from his low-ceiling truck.  Now that left a nice goose egg, let me tell you!
   

• I think the worst goose egg I can remember [circa 2003 anyway -- I've had much worse since lol] -- came from a single blow.  While in college, I briefly experimented with wearing contact lenses.  Once while trying to put one in my eye I dropped it and had to feel around on the floor for what seemed like an eternity to find it.  When I finally did find it, I was so exuberated that I leapt to my feet as fast as I could.  Unfortunately, my head was right underneath the steel door knob on the bathroom door when I leapt up--and those dormitory doors were the most solidly constructed doors I've ever seen.  I walloped my head on that thing so hard I literally saw stars.  While they went away after a few seconds, the huge knot on the back of my head didn't--it was still plainly visible parting my hair 3 days later!!  I had to snap a picture of that one for a keepsake.
   

• I've also whacked my head more times than I can remember on car roofs and door facings, from falling over while leaning back in my chair, and other goofy stuff like that.  I've even had a few lumps given to me by other people, although the vast majority of them have been self inflicted.  I'm sure I've forgotten more incidents than I could possibly list here.
   

• I have even bumped my head a few times since creating this website.  Be sure to check out my headbanging journal for my latest misadventures.
   

It's just lucky for me that I have a really hard head.  While serious head injuries are no laughing matter, I was incredibly fortunate that none of the innumerable licks my head has taken over the years were life altering -- and even I have to admit my clumsiness makes for some pretty hilarious reading.  Now, for a limited time only, you too can join in on the fun!

Have you got any similar "head banging" stories that you think are as entertaining as mine?  Either something that happened to yourself or to someone you know?  Email me at elmo@brained.com and I'll post the funniest ones on my interact page as time allows.