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Recounts! Recounts!! Recounts!!!
So is everyone else as sick of hearing about recounts as I am? You know, it's amazing how every time I recount my email addresses in my MS Outlook contact list, I find a couple more people who should have been receiving my rants all along. So I want to start off by welcoming Gina and Mike #3 to the list. I would send you two all of the back issues, but there are getting to be quite a few of them so it would probably be easier on you guys to read them on my website once I post them. THE PALM BEACH POKEY And no, it wasn't sent to me by Sean "Pokey" Roberts. I keep waiting for his next "Not Another Word of the Day" column to come out, but he must have been about as busy as I have here lately. Will this election never end? I had a dream the other night, that like Rip Van Winkle I had slept for 20 years and when I awoke it was the year 2020. I discovered I had slept through my first Presidential campaign in 2008 (I had lost to Ralph Nader in another narrow election). I also found out that due to the Freedom of Information Act we finally knew the answers to a lot of the great mysteries that plague humanity today... - we knew that the Egyptian pyramids and Stonehenge had both been built by time traveling toddlers from the year 2112. - we had found the desert island where James Dean and Marilyn Monroe had been hiding on all of these years... - Scientists had found the holy grail of quantum physics research--they had discovered the unified field theory that Albert Einstein had sought after his entire life... (and all I can remember about it was that it somehow involved the male libido)... - we had finally mapped the entire human genome... and private patents were held on each gene by so many different research companies that royalty costs were prohibitive to any kind of medical research that might actually find a cure for anything - we knew that the freemasons and members of the illuminati were all part of a vast conspiracy to take over the world, masterminded by Art Bell and Bill Cooper (who had actually pretended to be whistleblowers on the whole thing, and even pretended to hate each other all of these years to throw off suspicion) - we knew who really shot JFK (Oliver Stone)... - we had sent a manned probe to Mars, and they had discovered that there really was a face there... it was Alfred E. Neuman... - oh yeah, the election of 2000 had finally been settled... after the 89,054th manual recount of the Florida ballots at the request of Former Vice President Al Gore... Mr. Gore has been declared the official winner by two votes. George W. Bush was interviewed at his residence in the Austin City Nursing Home, where he was quoted as saying "thank God it's finally over." President Chelsea Clinton could not be reached for comment. OK, all silliness aside, this recount thing has gone on for waaaay too long. If polls are to be believed, it's obvious to over two thirds of the country (the ones who aren't die hard Democrats) that Al Gore is nothing but a sore loser who will keep ordering hand recounts until enough of the chads break off from those dinosaur punch card ballets that he gets the votes he needs. Why not? He has already lost anyway and he has nothing to lose by dragging this thing out and hoping for a five-fingered miraculous upset. Well, nothing to lose but respect anyway. The talking heads are already saying that whoever wins this thing is going to find leading the country very difficult. Either way, half of the country will consider the victor an illegitimate President who somehow stole the election. We are more divided as a nation than at any time in history, except for the period right before the civil war. Which is all the more scary because ammunition sales have gone up over 900% since this election debacle began. Bush was even quoted off-the-cuff as saying he was "keeping the powder dry". Now, I am all for gun rights and would ordinarily be pleased that more Americans were having the good sense to provide for their own self defense and the defense of their families and properties. But under the circumstances, I am definitely glad I supported a third party this election--the ONLY third party that can honestly say they didn't "take" votes from either side. I think I will have a shirt made that says "Don't blame me--I voted Libertarian"... Maybe that will keep me out of the crossfire should this thing really get ugly. I mentioned in Sunday's mail bag that as a libertarian, I am neither on the Right or the Left, but at the same time lean in both directions simultaneously. Though no one has commented about that yet, I could kind of sense everyone scratching their heads over it, so I will devote a couple of brief paragraphs to explain this seeming contradiction... Right wingers are often accused of being fascists by the Left, who are just as often accused of being communists by the Right. The truth is that both accusations are true. Both sides want to increase your freedoms in a few areas while stealing a lot of your freedoms in others. Conservatives are led by the misguided notion that it is possible to legislate morality, and want to do so at the expense of your personal freedoms. They often attempt to trod all over freedom of speech and freedom of religion while paradoxically claiming to promote the same. Modern-day "liberals", on the other hand, are just as bad if not a lot worse. They claim to promote diversity and tolerance... but just let someone have a diversity of opinion that opposes their "liberal" views (views which are more often than not spoon-fed from the radical "in" groups) and it becomes obvious who really wears the intolerant pants in this society. They also go to the opposite extreme on religion, trying to wipe it out of public life entirely at the expense of peoples' individual "free expression thereof". The First Amendment calls for a delicate balance between "Free Exercise of Religion" and "No Establishment of Religion", and unfortunately not many in our body politic today seem to get it. Modern-day "liberals" are also way too caught up in the misguided idea of the supposed common good being more important than the individual good. Gun control, so-called "hate crime" legislation, "political correction", and land grabs are just a few examples of "liberals" trying to force individuals to bend to the supposed will of society, with the result being oppression for the individual, and thus an oppressed society ruled by fear of (not love for their fellow man. Libertarians agree with the "conservative" point of view on a lot of things... like cutting the size of government back to it's Constitutional limitations, and eliminating unnecessary and unconstitutional taxation. They also agree with the "liberal" point of view on a lot of things... like getting Uncle Sam out of our private lives. This includes opposition to government-sponsored censorship of any kind, and the need to end the unwinnable and insane war on drugs. The latter would replace all of the non-violent prison inmates (whose biggest crimes against humanity are smoking a little dope) with the repeat-offending rapists and murderers who are currently being released early because "there just isn't enough room." I may have just shocked a few of you with the last two statements, but I will clarify this position in a future rant. I feel just as strongly about it as I do about protecting gun owners' rights. Preservation of the Second Amendment is a position most often associated with "extremists" on the Right Wing, just as unfettered preservation of the First Amendment is considered an "extreme" Left Wing position. It's a wonder this eagle can still fly at all, considering that neither of its wings understand that ALL of our unalienable rights are equally important, and were included in our Bill of Rights for a good reason. And that's why I have to say there isn't a dime's worth of difference between a Democrat and a Republican. Back to the election debacle. This whole thing is an issue mainly because our entire election system is completely, shockingly, even laughably outdated. Do you realize that in some precincts they are still using voting machines that are over a hundred years old. Vote fraud has become a central issue in this election, mainly because it has been so historically close. In reality, there has been vote fraud ever since there has been elections. If one were to accompany my "time traveling toddlers" back to ancient Athens where democracy was born, I'd bet my computer you would find evidence of vote fraud and cover-up even back then. We know they were railroading innocents back then, just as today. Look at the monkey-trial that the great philosopher Socrates went through, which ended up costing him his life. You know, the more things change, the more they stay the same... Unlike a lot of people in the freedom movement today, I'm not filled with an overwhelming sense of reverence for the generation of our founding fathers either. They traded human beings as slaves, they decimated the Native Americans in a campaign of deception and ultimately genocide, and for all of their lofty rhetoric that "we hold these truths to be self evident that all men were created equal", only white men over 21 years of age who were wealthy enough to own property were given the right to vote. For all of our shortcomings, we have come a long way. Though a lot of conservatives are repulsed by the word, I think it is a good thing that we have become more Democratic. A lot of people defend the Electoral College for being an equalizing factor to prevent large metropolitan areas like New York and Chicago from completely overpowering the votes of those in small rural areas like Kentucky. That may be well true, but it is considered by many people another anachronism from a less trusting age and is going to be under continuing scrutiny over the coming years. Whoever wins, we are going to see a widespread grassroots movement to do away with it. I just hope that while the mood is hot for a Constitutional Amendment, they don't decide to pass a few more while they are at it. We cannot continue to let our freedoms be stolen from us. Every time we allow our supposed representatives to chip away a bit of our rights, we are in essence allowing them to p___ on the graves of all of the brave men and women who died in wars past to protect these freedoms that we seem all too happy to give up. The reason that conservatives have become so afraid of democracy is because of how ignorant the majority of Americans have become. The words "dumbed down" have become quite the cliché in modern times, they apply to so much. Our entertainment, our school curricula, our collective IQ's. Whether we have been deliberately dumbed down as many suggest, or it is just some unhappy accident caused by wacky government policies gone awry, people have by and large forgotten what it means to be American. They have forgotten what freedom is, and why it must be preserved at all cost. "Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty" and we've been asleep at the wheel for far too long. Being a computer programmer, and progressive at heart, I think I realize what needs to be done. Conservatives and traditionalists will probably crucify me for this, and it admittedly goes against my libertarian grain, but I think the only way to effectively eliminate voter fraud would be to centralize voting and to tie it with identifying data, such as the numbers the government already has on file for all of us. I realize that means that if you drop out of the system and revoke your social security number, as many who are fed up with our corrupt system are doing by the droves, you will also give up your vote. But essentially that is already happening anyway. What I propose is that a government website be set up where each eligible US Citizen (and ONLY US Citizens, of the living variety) can log in using their social security number, date of birth, and mother's maiden name. I know what some of you are thinking, but these information is the exact same data considered private enough that banks use them to secure your checking/savings/credit card accounts--and if you trust your hard-earned money with these numbers, they must be secure enough to trust your vote with them. And what's more, with my proposed system, you could logon anytime to make sure your vote hasn't been changed--even 20 years from now (when the winner of this election may finally have been decided). That would kind of make vote fraud difficult to pull off. Not to mention the fact that we would have real-time, up-to-the-second vote totals. There would be no need for absentee voting, since you could logon from virtually anywhere on the planet, and we would know the results instantly after the last poll deadline ends. No one would have to leave home, college or work to go vote, and it would be so easy that I believe a whole lot more people would vote. Does that mean that our nation's future would be decided by predominantly lazy people? Most likely, but what else is new? For those who don't have computers or access to the internet, they could always go to the polling place just like always, where instead of antiquated voting machines, internet terminals would be provided. There are some privacy concerns to my proposal, of the "what's to keep my Democrat boss from finding out I voted Republican and firing me?" variety... But I think with just a fraction of the money that has been wasted from this whole election 2000 nightmare, a database architecture could be built that would prevent anyone but the voter him/herself from gaining access to all of the information about that person's vote. County/State/National authorities would get vote totals tied to their location, but no names or id numbers to go with them. They could get also retrieve a list of all voters who participated, but no actual votes to go with them. This would take a bit of engineering work from a lot of encryption experts, but I think the nation that leads the world in IT technology could pull it off. And the whole thing has to be OPEN SOURCE so there can be no hidden back doors for cheaters to sneak in. How can it be secure and be OPEN SOURCE you may ask... I have three words for you... Pretty Good Privacy... an open source encryption program so good that the NSA can't even crack it. Just because you know the algorithm doesn't mean you can crack the code--you have to have the keys. And at 128 bits, it's been estimated that today's fastest supercomputers would take millions of years to crack it. No system is 100% percent hack-proof, but with proper logging and safeguards, the hackers would be quickly noticed, traced and apprehended. So what do you guys think of my proposition? Another great item for the Technocrat party platform. It will go right up there with the 4th grade-level competency test for voter eligibility. And speaking of stupid voters, here is some more news on those poor intellectually-challenged Florida Democrats... - In Florida this morning, 14,613 Palm Beach Democrats filed a petition in State Court with the assistance of the Reverend Jesse Jackson demanding their right to a re-vote in the presidential election. Apparently, they saw a sign on their way to vote that read, "Precinct Polling Left". Sworn affidavits filed by each and every Democrat named in the petition indicated that upon seeing the sign, they turned around and drove back to their homes. - Security guards found 16 more Democrats dead today in a rear Palm Beach high-rise elevator following a Democratic strategy session. The elevator death toll now stands at 87. Investigators surmised that the Democrats, fatigued by a lengthy meeting, might have become baffled by the placement of the floor indicator buttons inside each of the building's five elevators. Although there is a single, vertical column of buttons in each elevator, the floor indicators are alternately and sequentially placed to the left and right of the buttons. An officer on the scene speculated that with all the frenzied button pressing going on it was probably only a matter of time before total exhaustion overtook each group. Palm Beach officials have insisted that one mass, televised burial service be conducted for the deceased Democrats in order to ward off a possible transportation crisis in an area heavily populated by seniors. "The last thing Palm Beach needs at this time," the Mayor was quoted as saying, "is 100,000 plus Cadillac-driving geezers reeking of lox and cream cheese tying up our roadways". The Reverend Jesse Jackson has been asked to conduct the televised eulogy. - Palm Beach County Social Services (PBCSS) has identified another 780 Florida Democrats who failed to vote in last Tuesday's election. These 780 Democrats were literally trapped in their own homes and not rescued until after the polls had closed. Apparently, they accidentally switched their garage door openers with the TV remotes. "This is a common problem in Florida precincts heavily populated by Democrats," stated the Director of PBCSS. "Usually when the rescue worker arrives at the residence, we find them emaciated, pale, and in a trance-like state either sitting in their cars or in front of a blank TV repeatedly clicking the swapped device". The Director added, "Barring any other solution, we have to rely on vigilant neighbors who call the PBCSS Democrat Rescue Hotline". The Hotline number was recently changed from "111" to "1" in response to Democratic complaints to eliminate confusion. Prior to the change the PBCSS office was deluged with inquiries asking whether the number to call was "one, one, one" or "one hundred eleven". The list identifying the trapped Democrats has been forwarded to the Reverend Jesse Jackson who will represent them in a Court action seeking a re-vote in the presidential election. - In another developing story coming out of Palm Beach County, the Reverend Jesse Jackson announced this morning that his team has found 27,000 more disenfranchised Democrats who were illegally precluded from voting for Al Gore. Apparently, they were provided with maps "approved" by the Election Board showing the locations of their respective polling places and they quickly became confused and disoriented. Jackson said, "Many of these Democrats are still being rounded up in the county, so the true count won't be known for several weeks". Reportedly, the vast majority abandoned their vehicles after days of fruitless searching and began roaming aimlessly throughout the countryside. One official was quoted as saying, "It's a gruesome and frightening sight when a hoard of them are located. They have this vacuous, almost zombie-like look on their faces. It's like a scene directly from Night of the Living Dead". OK, in case you couldn't tell, those were jokes... but certainly believable ones considering the stupidity those voters have already demonstrated. Or the stupidity that they assume we possess, if we are to believe they were actually that stupid. What all of the media seems to always neglect to mention is that those ballets were designed and approved BY DEMOCRATS... it was a predominately Democratic county after all. Duh!!! Ok, I'm off my soap box now. Good night everybody, Elmo Click here to return to the previous page. |
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