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William Brian "The Brain" Williams.
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Brained.com FAQ

• Why do you call yourself a nerd? Do you enjoy putting yourself down or something?
• Why did you choose bumping your head as the theme for your website?
• Are you obsessed with bumping your head or something?
• If you are so smart, why do you bump your head so often?
• I could see once--but how come you bumped your head repeatedly all those times? Are you dense?
• How often do you bump your head, anyway?
• Do you have any lumps on your head right now?
• Don't you have constant headaches from all those head injuries?
• How could anyone take that many blows to the head without suffering massive brain damage?
• Why are you sharing such embarrassing stories with the entire world?
• Aren't you afraid people will lose respect for you?
• Are you trying to make light of people with serious head injuries?
• Why did you create an app encouraging visitors to beat you over the head?
• There are several pics of you with a knot on your head. Are any of them real, or are they all photo edits?
• Why should anyone else post their "head banging" stories here?
• I think the guy who created this website bumped his head a bit too often!

Admittedly, "Intellectually Gifted, yet Socially Challenged" is just a PC way of saying nerd, but I don't consider it a put down. I do enjoy being a nerd--it is a large part of who I am. Anyway, nerds rule the world these days--look at Bill Gates, Michael Dell, Alan Greenspan, and even Al Gore--just because he lost in '00 doesn't mean we've seen the last of him. Just because I don't always agree with the nerds who made it big doesn't mean I don't have a lot of respect for the fact that they did get where they are, and didn't sell out their nerdiness to get there.

After much searching for a short, cute domain name for my personal web site, I decided on brained.com for it's multi-faceted meaning. For my theme, I decided to go with the "bumped head" definition of brained because it is funny, everyone can relate to it, and I do have a certain knack for doing it. Everyone has to be good at something, right?

Just because I do it more often than most doesn't mean I'm obsessed with it. If I were obsessed, I'd wear a crash helmet everywhere I went. Hey, I might look really stupid, but at least I'd have fewer knots on my head!

If anything, pop culture is the one obsessed with bumped heads. The bump on the head is the most overused physical comedy gag out there, not to mention the most clich©d plot device known to the entertainment world.  Bumped heads have given us psychic powers and world-changing ideas, taken us back in time, made us lose our memories then given them back to us, made us think we were someone else, knocked us out more times than we can count, given us big lumps and cute little birdies flying around our head, made us act really stupid for a while, and moved the plot along more often and in more ways than any other writing convention there is.  Can you think of a single early X-Files episode where Dana Scully didn't get hit over the head at least once?

If anything, my web site is a tribute to that element of pop culture. I grew up with The Three Stooges and Looney Tunes after all... I guess I'm a living example of why they often say "don't try this at home, ladies and gentlemen."

It's kind of funny, but it seems like the smartest people I knew were the ones who always seemed to bump their head the most often -- it wasn't just me.

A friend I had a *massive* crush on in High School was and is highly intelligent to say the least. Yet like me, she also had a knack for knocking her noggin repeatedly, then laughing about it. She once told me that in her freshman year PE class, she somehow managed to knock herself in the head six times in a row while trying to hit a softball with a bat! Ouch!

Likewise, a gal I actually dated a few years later had a recorded IQ of 156, yet she also told some head banging whopper stories. Like one time she fell down a flight of steps, hitting the back of her head on every single one all the way down and giving herself a combined knot the size of a grapefruit. And another time she gave herself multiple concussions in a single night by dancing on a table and falling off on her head... twice within 20 min of each other. Yet she remained as brilliant as ever.

Is there some kind of correlation there, perhaps, between a person's intelligence level and the frequency with which they bump their heads? Is this nature's way of evening the odds? Or is there more truth to the 19th century "science" of phrenology than most people give credit these days?

I don't know about the others, but I believe the reason I bumped my head so often was that my mind was often a million miles away, focused on a plethora of other things more exciting than my immediate surroundings. I daydreamed a lot, and often had my mind consumed with higher abstract concepts than the mundane reality of my current locale. In other words, I was a little absent minded. I've gotten a lot better about that as I've gotten older, but I still tend to get absorbed into whatever I'm working on sometimes. Unfortunately, that narrowness of focus has sometimes made me unaware of potential dangers, especially to those that go bump on my noggin.

Some of my friends might disagree, but I don't think so. I just tend to be a little forgetful as well as absent minded sometimes. Actually, my biggest problem is I tend to be very one-track minded when I am really into whatever I'm doing. Even though I might have knocked myself silly on some obtrusion as recently as a couple of minutes ago; if my head has stopped hurting to remind me, I may once again get so absorbed in what I'm doing that I momentarily forget about that obtrusion and go two for two. Or even three for three, on rare occasion.

Not quite so often as I used to, thankfully, although it does still happen occasionally. You can check my headbanging journal for all my latest goose-eggs.

LOL! No fresh ones as of this writing. :-) However, I may have a few slight dents or protrusions that have sort of become permanent fixtures on my head -- "battle scars", if you will -- from the battering my poor noggin has endured over the years.

OK, to tell the truth I had always been a little reluctant to shave my head because I was afraid it would be so bumpy that it would resemble a topical relief map. Didn't want to frighten small children with my lumpy head. LOL. But, as you can see from the photo to the left, I finally broke down and shaved it on my 30th birthday -- just to do something wild and crazy. Well, okay..., so maybe it does look like a topical relief map, complete with its mountainous regions and valleys. But I also received several complements, including several people who said that look really worked for me, so I guess it doesn't look that scary. Click here for a couple of close-up shots, if you are brave enough.

Hey, anything that doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? As part of their training, the Shao Lin monks in China purposely beat themselves over the head repeatedly for several minutes every day in order to "toughen up" their scalps and skulls. Sounds insane, but they can perform amazing feats like breaking multi-layered concrete slabs in two with their heads. And to think, if I keep going like this, I'll probably be able to do that some day without any formal "training"!

Surprisingly no, not really. As far as pain goes, I'd much prefer a light bump on the head to a hangover headache any day. Or to a blow to my "other head", for that matter. I do occasionally get headaches caused by lack of sleep and/or eye strain from constant computer work, but those are unfortunate hazards that go right along with my chosen field.

Actually, every time you bump your head, even slightly, you kill a certain number of brain cells. You can even kill brain cells by shaking your head too hard, or by "head banging" to music. Not to mention alcohol consumption. With that in mind, I probably have suffered a certain amount of brain damage from my mishaps, as everyone does. While I was never formally diagnosed with one, largely due to rarely ever going to the ER after my mishaps... now that I know what to look for, I estimate that I've endured at least 9 concussions during my life, if not more. But I also know that they were all mild to moderate, and none severe. And I never was really into contact sports, which is statistically where the most serious head injuries occur among boys. So I don't really think I've suffered any more brain damage than any other 50 year old guy who's lived a semi-active lifestyle. At least I haven't noticed any significant impairment to my cognitive ability over the years, anyway.

The people I feel sorry for are professional athletes like Dallas Cowboys quarterback Troy Aikman (pronounced Ache-man, which is very appropriate). He's suffered over 22 concussions since he's been playing pro football, and that's got to take its toll on a guy. Sure he's filthy rich and living a millionaire lifestyle, but what good will that do him if he loses the ability to think coherently? And what about boxers? I never quite understood a sport where the object is to pound each other in the head until one of you loses consciousness. I realize what an art form it is, and how beautiful it is to watch a skilled athlete at his best, but I also know how very sad it is to watch those same athletes later in life dealing with the brain damage all those blows to the head caused them.

I used to be very shy and try to conceal everything that I was even remotely embarrassed about, or that I thought someone would make fun of me over. The result was that I was very reserved and quiet and didn't reveal much of myself at all to those who knew me.

As I've gotten older, I've realized that everyone is human, no one is perfect, and everyone has their embarrassing anecdotes. Several of mine just happen to involve me bashing my head on something. I don't mind sharing these stories with the world, because I think there are a lot of people who can relate to them. And just maybe, as a result of reading some of my mishaps, a few people will be a bit more careful, more alert to their surroundings from now on, and avoid similar mishaps of their own. At worst, everyone will get a good laugh at my expense, which I don't mind because I think it was pretty funny myself. Countless comedians, such as The Stooges, Tim Allen, and the late, great Chris Farley to name a few, have made successful careers out of whacking their heads for other peoples' amusement.

Has anyone lost respect for Troy Aikman or Mohammed Ali as a result of their injuries? What about pro-wrestlers? Just because everyone knows it's fake doesn't mean that they don't take some nasty knocks out there from time to time.

Most people who know me already know I'm not always the most alert person in the world--it's one of my quirks and part of what makes me who I am. I don't think that many people who know me will really be all that surprised that I've taken a few more lumps than the average guy. Besides, I have gotten a lot better about that as I've matured. So if anyone thinks any less of me because I've bumped my head a few times, then who needs them anyway?

Not at all. Serious head injury is no laughing matter. Here is an excellent article on how dangerous head injuries can be. If anything, my message is one of caution--don't be a knothead like me, protect your noggin!

The Brain Me app is my answer to the whack-a-mole game. I would have loved instead to have been able to use a picture of a certain ex-boss mine, or even a few of our corrupt national legislators. But since I don't want to be sued, arrested, or "disappeared" into the night, I decided to whack the only head I could legally get away with -- my own.

Besides, I thought it was hysterically funny. Strangely enough, I could actually see this web site becoming really popular because of that app.

The one on the under construction page is obviously fake. It has Photoshop written all over it.

I plead the 5th on all the others. :-)

Hey, you all got to laugh at my clumsiness... why can't I laugh at yours? Besides, the more people's stories I have on here, the less I look like a dork for all my mishaps. I think I will make it a contest, in fact, where the funniest stories get voted on by the visitors and the winner(s) will get some as yet undetermined prize(s). But I want true stories, no made up junk. If you have a true story of someone getting brained in a funny way, be it yourself or a friend, and no one was seriously injured by this event, then you should submit it to me at elmo@brained.com.

That isn't a question, it's a statement. Nonetheless, I have to agree 100%.

Copyright © 2003-2024 William Brian "The Brain" Williams.
All rights reserved.
Revised: 2003-07-13 00:59:00.