Ok, I'm sure you guys are all dying to know what this whole "brained" thing is all about.  Right?

1. My name is Brian, but all my life people have misspelled it as "Brain".  It is flattering to a point, but after that it gets ridiculous.  My own grandmother still spells my name "Brain". 

In essence, one of the things brained refers to is the fact that this web site was created by "Brain", a.k.a. Brian.

2. Brained also refers to the common misconception most people have that I have some kind of super-intelligent brain, wherever they got that silly idea.  I'm serious--all my life, people have really thought I was some kind of mega-brain.  I've been called a "genius" by co-workers and fellow students ever since I can remember.  I did score really high on an IQ test when I was in the third grade, like a 160-something, but I haven't taken one since.  And I did earn a lot of awards on my high school and college academic teams, and I did score pretty high on standardized tests--like a 32 on the ACT and a 181 on the PSAT.  And I did end up graduating Salutatorian of my high school class. 

But I'm not one to really brag about my intellect all that much because I know there are a lot of really smart people out there that make me look like a low-grade moron.  I mean, just because I recently found out I qualify to be in MENSA doesn't mean I have a right to go around thinking I'm smarter than everyone, right?  Besides, my friend Jason Cansler, who's known me longer than most, had this to say about me: "He has a very large raw intellect... or did 'til he started partying heavily."
 

3. Unfortunately, the obvious meaning of the word brained is probably the most applicable of all.  I do kinda have this talent for head banging--and I'm not just talking about my love for hard rock music.  Ever had two knots on your noggin at the same time?  Three?  It's fun, really!  Anyway, here are a few of my more shining moments:

• When I was around 2 years old, I fell out of a grocery buggy and landed on my head. That probably explains a lot about me, doesn't it?  Nothing like an early concussion to have a major impact on a guy.
   

• When I was about 4 my parents took me with them to an insurance office of all places.  I was goofing around, tripped and fell headfirst into a beam across the floor knocking myself silly.  Not only did it briefly knock me unconscious and scare the snot out of my parents, but it also left a tiny scar on my forehead that is still slightly visible to this day.
   

• Twice in elementary school I fell from the monkey bars and smacked my head good against the ground--once in kindergarten and once in the 4th grade  It could have been worse--fortunately, it was dirt I landed on both times and not asphalt.
   

• I was biking along one day at age 11, minding my own business, when I was startled by an oncoming car, lost control of my bike, and plowed right into it.  My head hit the windshield and I blacked out--the next thing I knew I was lying face down on the pavement.  I know I was only unconscious for a few seconds though, because I could still see the car speeding down the road when I came to--the jerk was a hit and run driver at that!   My favorite bike was trashed beyond repair, which upset me far worse at the time than my injuries did.  I cringe now when I think just how badly I could have been hurt.  Thankfully, a few scrapes and a couple of good-sized bumps on my head were the extent of the damage.
   

• In a high school speech class, we all had to get up in front of the class and give demonstration speeches.  While I had planned to demonstrate working with ceramics, I ended up demonstrating how to whack the side of your head on the corner of the display board while trying to demonstrate working with ceramics.  Although the entire class was amused to say the least, some of the more concerned of them did ask if I was ok.  I was fine, really!  Just another lump to add to my growing collection.  My pride was the real casualty that time.
   

• As a general rule, if there are low rafters or other obtrusions in a room and I spend enough time in there, chances are good I'll find them the hard way.  A great example of this occurred my second year of community college, when my Phi Theta Kappa honor fraternity decided to enter a float in the annual Christmas Parade.  We did most of the work on it in sponsor Jim Hunter's garage, which naturally had low rafters.  I cracked my cranium twice on them while working on top of the float one day.  I ended up with the cutest matching knots, nearly symmetrical in their sizes and locales on either side of my head.  That took talent, believe me!  But hey, Jim was my calculus teacher after all, and what else would you expect from a "math whiz" like myself.
   

• This next incident took real talent.  Once while helping a friend at a weekend computer show, I somehow managed to pummel the top of my head three times in a row while loading and unloading crates of software from his low-ceiling truck.  Now that left a nice goose egg, let me tell you!
   

• I think the worst goose egg I can remember came from a single blow, however.  While in college, I briefly experimented with wearing contact lenses.  Once while trying to put one in my eye I dropped it and had to feel around on the floor for what seemed like an eternity to find it.  When I finally did find it, I was so exuberated that I leapt to my feet as fast as I could.  Unfortunately, my head was right underneath the steel door knob on the bathroom door when I leapt up--and those dormitory doors were the most solidly constructed doors I've ever seen.  I walloped my head on that thing so hard I literally saw stars.  While they went away after a few seconds, the huge knot on the back of my head didn't--it was still plainly visible parting my hair 3 days later!!  I had to snap a picture of that one for a keepsake.
   

• I've also whacked my head more times than I can remember on car roofs and door facings, from falling over while leaning back in my chair, and other goofy stuff like that.  I've even had a few lumps given to me by other people, although the vast majority of them have been self inflicted.  I'm sure I've forgotten more incidents than I could possibly list here.
   

• I have even bumped my head a few times since creating this website.  Be sure to check out my headbanging journal for my latest misadventures.
  

It's just lucky for me that I have a really hard head.  While serious head injuries are no laughing matter, I was incredibly fortunate that none of the innumerable licks my head has taken over the years were terribly serious--and even I have to admit my clumsiness makes for some pretty hilarious reading.  Now, for a limited time only, you too can join in on the fun!

Have you got any similar "head banging" stories that you think are as funny as mine?  Either something that happened to yourself or to someone you know?  Email me at knothead@brained.com and I'll post the funniest ones on my interact page as time allows.